Letting it go… ‘venting’

I’ve been thinking A LOT lately about my accident from two years ago. Trying to again, come to terms with things, such as our finances, where I am in recovery, my health, medical bills.

I have medical issues aside from my accident related issues. I’ve felt physically bad lately. I work very hard, but lately I sit and rest in between chores and duties around here.

I’ve felt a huge sense of frustration. My frustrations are currently focused on people. Those who want to be social justice warriors and rescue criminals.
I’m really bothered that some people chose to raise money for and pay the large bail that was set, for the illegal alien who hit me.

( I feel, he should not have had a bail set at all!!!)

He’s an illegal alien!!!

He left the scene of the accident!!!

He got out of the work vehicle he was driving and He took off running!!!

His  vehicle was full of empty alcohol containers!!!

From his finger prints, it was found out, this was NOT his first offense.

He had a habit of drinking and driving.

He couldn’t be charged with DUI, because he left the scene didn’t get his blood tested or a breathylyzer and he wasn’t found for about a week.

His charges were puny, like assault and battery, unsafe movement, felony hit and run, open container, not lawful following traffic signal, I don’t remember how it was exactly worded and I don’t care to look at the police report anymore.

I felt screwed over by the guy who hit me, and by those in charge who did NOT keep me safe. If they could not keep the guy in jail, the least they could have done, would be to deport him. He never showed for court. He “disappeared”!)

A few days after the accident. My nurse assistant showing me how much better my face looked.



I’m need to share and vent about the situation, so I can move along again. I think I’m healed completely emotionally, then sometimes these feelings creep in and I must address them. I don’t really talk to anyone about them. I have tried a time or two, in the past.

I am not allowed to completely vent my feelings, before I’m told, ” You can’t do anything about it, so you should just be grateful for your and your baby’s life and move on.” ( I was 36 weeks pregnant the day of the accident.)

That is what I’ve done. I am grateful and I have moved on.

I’m so very grateful for our lives. I have friends who were in less serious car accidents and “small” fender benders, who lost their babies to death before arriving at the hospital.

I know the same could have and should have happened to me, as bad as I was hit. It is a total MIRACLE, A G-d thing!!! That she and I are here today and both walking and talking and breathing on our own. My neck was broken at a level where I could have been on a ventilator and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but I am breathing on my own and walking. My saving grace, my spinal cord was squished but not severed.

My entire focus for rehab and recovery was  being able to 100% physically take care of myself and my family without physical assistance. Which I have mostly accomplished.

I don’t want to be told How grateful I should be. I am grateful. Very grateful and so very blessed beyond measure. I really needed to just let this side out also. The anger, and it be okay to let the anger out. Not making me any less grateful or happy that we survived. But also to fully heal and recover and let go of anger. I am told the anger could be part of the reason I am in so much pain. Not just from my having surgeries and my spine fused.

I have to let go and let G-d. Part of that is me sharing what’s on my heart without judgement. Just getting it out.

I’m also making this vent public, just in case there is someone else experiencing what I have and maybe wants to talk about it or know the anger is part of healing too. I just don’t live in the anger but feel it and move on.

I think people think having a bunch of illegals roaming around, is a victimless crime. Someone told me it’s equivalent to stealing cable and told me “every body does it”. I’ve never stolen cable!!! never considered it either. But that is another post…


Bits and Pieces add up to much!

Help Tracy’s Boys

A sweet friend needed help.

I watched over a 24 hour period, G-d moved and people gave.

Some gave a lot and some gave little. G-d used every dollar.

I was so encouraged for several reasons. And my heart became broken, but a good breaking. Softened for G-d to use. Belief that there are people willing to give and give right now immediately.  I feel a kindred spirit, a connection to those who share my heart though we haven’t spoken and some of us have never met in person.

Many times you may want to give for a cause, but feel that you don’t have enough. You don’t realize that your amount of anything means a lot. Especially when lots of people get together. Then others, many who can give a lot, see those with little giving what they have, may or may not match you dollar for dollar. Regardless, G-d blesses it! I have so much hope and encouragement in humanity again. The willingness and real love and action to help a fellow-man( Woman).

I have needed help, from time to time. Not necessarily monetarily, but sometimes it has been a struggle. Especially that year darling was laid off and we used up savings. I have needed help with immediate household stuff, when we simply didn’t have the cash to fix it. I refuse to go into debt for stuff and I was too proud to ask from anyone. Even and especially the church. I am so proud of my friend. She did ask she should and allowed G-d to bless her through others. EVERYONE benefits when we work in this way. When we allow G-d to bless us in this way, we allow his blessings to touch others. It really is a blessing to give and help others!

Stepping out of our comfort zone. It is easy to sit back and complain. It is more difficult to give up a part of yourself and admit you need help. Not a pride thing but more of a self-confident thing. It is not a weakness to need help. I am realizing, there are seasons of life. Most of us go through all of them at some time.

Casting Crowns-Voice of Truth

My Wednesday Was Busy

First,I took girls to school. Ugh, The van  did not want to start. Next, after dropping off the twins, I drove to the closest Autozone. The sweet young woman checked my battery and said it looked fine but low. She wanted to ??charge it for an hour?? or something like that. I told her I needed to go and comeback, I was scheduled to drop by the Home Health care to let them download data from John’s apnea monitor. After the data download I returned to the same Autozone.

This time a different woman helped me. She seemed very knowledgeable. She brought out her machine to test my battery. She never touched my battery, she took one look at my battery and said ,”It’s bad!” “Good batteries don’t leak.” She told me to go to Advanced Auto which is where my previous battery was from, and see if I had a warranty. I checked to see if I did and I did not have a warranty. I also stopped at another Autozone for a battery check and was told my battery is low and should be replaced.

So I called AAA and had them replace my battery. Now we are truly riding smooth again.

Late Night/ Early Morning Rambled Musings:

If feeling soooo done with life a part of being 9 months pregnant or am I just lazy. Summer hasn’t arrived yet.

I am so done.

I made Stouffer’s Lasagna for dinner 2 days in a row. Fed my family canned veggies and grocery store deli bread that I turned into garlic bread.

I did spend 2 and a half hours at a laundromat with my 8-year-old son washing,drying and folding towels, little boy clothes and linens. So something was accomplished.

I still continue to feel a lack of motivation.

My garden is going slow because I have not sat down with the boys like we planned and seed our peat pods. They are still on the freezer in the laundry room.

I left laundromat before completely drying my last load to pick up Kara from work. Dropped Sam at home and took Kayla back home, she was just out to get a quick meal (She was starving and our Stouffer’s Lasagna wasn’t in the oven yet), then Kara and I returned to dry the remainder. It seem to go so fast with help 🙂

I am only up right now because of an obnoxious nosebleed. Took forever to stop, still oozing but I need to go to bed now!

God smiled on Hubby at work tonight. He had a great evening. I was feeling rather bummed and rarely share that rundown feeling with him( I am afraid of dragging people down, when I want to be an encourager),  he prayed with me and told me God is with me. I instantly felt better and do not remember how bad I felt or even what precipitated that bad feeling in the first place.  God smiled on me to for blessing me with a husband that loves me and who really desires to do the right thing deep down and surprises me at the least expected time.

Would you like some cheese with that?….Survival Mode

I have wanted to blog but have lacked the time. We have had an unusually busy schedule and with my dead slaves (washer and dryer) I spend at least 2 to 3 trips a week at a laundromat. The owner is really nice and will help me and whomever I bring as a helper to my van, even though that is not his job. I am enjoying getting laundry done quicker. Instead of a half a day or more job, it takes a couple of hours.

We are approaching the end of our journey as one. This baby and I. My BP has been steadily rising over the past week or so. The hyperemesis is not being controlled by the Zofran. I am hoping to go into spontaneous labor sans induction. I am nervous about pending delivery, I tend to get ppd pretty bad lately, so I hope it is a normal labor, so I can quickly recover and return to exercising which really helps me stabilize my hormones better.

One of the twins plans to by a car this week. I am praying she and her sister can get themselves around  without my help now. Allowing me more time to spend with the boys,cooking, cleaning, sleeping and enjoying a new baby soon. It should be a blessing to our entire family in that way. I am so fatigued lately. Today I am doing a manic cleaning but I am so low energy I feel the need to lay down, although I have not since getting up.

We are on the hunt for a bunk bed. I specifically wanted a red metal to match the current one in the boy’s room, but at this point I just want a bunk bed set. I have a little guy sleeping on my sofa who needs a bed. Maybe I should pray for one again.

I think there is some water damage from my sink area. The middle of my kitchen floor feels “weird” and the old linoleum is cracking. I’m not sure whether to call a plumber first or if it is just old. Either way, I need a new sub-floor in my kitchen and new tile. I try not to freak out as things stop working in my old house. I happened to hear about Habitat’s Critical Home Repair and I am almost desperate enough to call and see if someone can come out and diagnose our problem with the kitchen floor. I want to fix it quickly. My overactive, hyper-analytical self is having all sorts of thoughts, like me walking into the kitchen to prepare a lovely meal for my family and falling through the kitchen floor.

I am so NOT sleeping well when I do sleep. I think baby has days and nights mixed up already. I have had intense back pain with contractions since Thursday and I simply can not get comfortable, despite taking every spare pillow in the house and propping something up with it.

My OB Dr. D. is going to be in and out-of-town over the next few weeks(family emergency). This has sent me into numerous panic attacks. I have one person whom I trust. I have an awfully long list of bad care received and not enough good to match. I don’t expect a lot. Some people just can not treat you a an individual. I am one that demands to not be lumped in a box or category with everyone else. I want to go to the hospital, have assistance if I need it and not be micro managed. My Dr. D gets it, some others get it, most do not. I am trying to trust that God will work it ALL out. Like HE did with DH has a full-time job with benefits! We have health insurance just in time for baby’s birth. That is a Big weight off my shoulders.  I need to get a sense of peace about the rest of the current happenings.

We should be better off financially, when I can save gas money. Still working on our water bill. We need to  get several people to trim their showers down from 45 minutes to 10 minutes. How do you do that?? A plumber told me, he can attach a regulator to my hot water heater. I can shut it of manually or digitally I think. I will probably need to invest in this to save water and money.  Maybe I’ll regain some energy. I am usually a pretty high-strung, hyper person. Being able to cook all of our meals again will keep us from breaking our food budget.

I am Currently in survival mode until further notice!

Thank You KIND Stranger!! May God richly Bless You and Your family!

We were blessed today.

Someone called and said they will pay our past due water bills to catch us up. It has been a bane of our existence. Simply impossible to catch up even though DH has been back at work for awhile now.

We were blessed that we had savings and survived almost 9 months without real income before things got behind. Then DH had part-time temporary jobs which only covered some of the bills so it was a cruel game of juggling what would get turned off or disconnected. That is what we would pay.

We never really told anyone how bad things got. If asked, we told someone, who inquired ,that we were trying to catch up but it seems impossible.

We haven’t expected any help from anyone. Too many people seem to be in the same situation or worst. We hear all the time of even more people being laid off.

We live in the South and people ask you how you are doing often. It is just common courtesy type of thing. They don’t REALLY want to know how you are doing and they definitely do not want details. They just want to hear good, fine, blessed or the like and move on with their day. (I am not like that and it has taken me awhile to get used to this custom. I tend to help anyone who ask for help if I am able to. )

I gave her our name and account number and she says it should be paid in full before next Friday. It may show up in the next 24 hours. The person I talked to happens to be in charge of a charity that helps people a lot. The day she spoke to me, I was running errands. She happened to ask on a day that I desperately needed to talk or vent. I don’t believe that I was really complaining. It was a God thing! I feel blessed, I can take a breath of fresh air.

I’ve  wondered how God would take care of this situation but have been trying to completely just give it to HIM and stop worrying.

We have always…  always paid our bills on time or even early. So the past year with the layoff was a learning experience for us.

I think I sort of felt let down and like” God, we are tithers…why is this happening to us?” As if doing the right thing is supposed to make you completely immune to the results of evils or misjudgments of others. I have learned that it does NOT. Bad things happen to anyone and every one at any given time. Evil is in the world and people suffer. PERIOD.

I am going to bed and rest a good peaceful sleep. I am thankful for the generosity of others and that someone was truly listening to me and not just being courteous and following a Southern custom. She actually heard what I said and wanted to help.

My Lovely Daughters

She gave me a hug. God with skin on. She gave me a sticky note. I trust You Jesus. You died for my sins. There is nothing I’ve done to cause the series of unfortunate events of the past. I am not being punished. I can use this time to draw nearer to God.

New schedule and Update

R started nights on his job, which means he was working from 10pm til 6am. He went on job interviews and such immediately after he would drop the girls off at school. He was hired at several places. He actually took the job that was closest to our home. He now gets to ride his bike to work. He no longer works swing shift. He was a stable second shift job and make 1 dollar more per hour than he made at the job he started in August. So of course he quit that job. We were spending  almost half his paycheck on gasoline for the van. We were happy he had a job, but it really was a strain driving so far daily and I felt like I practically lived in the van. It is nice to be able to not drive all day.

Last week D. came in second in the school race against Pine Lake Prep. It was a first time in a long time. He just looked green that day. I think the pollen got to him? He did great despite not feeling well. I am proud of my tough,strong son for sucking it up and doing what needs to be done even when not feeling well. He is NOT a complainer and works so hard at everything he does.

Kl is working at our local grocery store. Usually several days per week.

The 3 little boys are doing great so far with home school. We are doing Classical Conversations. We are having lots of fun learning.

Kr continuing to heal from major surgery last December. She is doing well at school.

DJ is really into reading lately. So I am trying to keep him well supplied with really good books.

Praise and Reflection

I have definitely been super über busy. I want to document this time in my life so I may remember how God moves in HIS timing. Also seeing how things look so very odd from the outside, even to me, I see HIS hands in our lives. Everything isn’t easy, I do have peace in the midst of it all.

R has been working a few weeks now I think for an agency as a contracted temp to hire. We are still behind in bills, but at least we have a chance to catch up with income coming in. He works a swing shift. It is now 2 weeks on a shift before switching. Next week is night shift.Since we have one car….

( his died….their is an entire ordeal surrounding his car that makes me to angry to detail… short version.. his/our nephew took it apart to pieces and sold them. The carcass sat in our driveway a few weeks before I called a junk yard to haul it away. We could have gotten a few hundred dollars had we sold it a junk yard originally. Instead of giving much-needed money away when R wasn’t working and causing an eyesore to our neighborhood. I felt sick every single time I went outside until I  had the thing removed!)

I have been on the road a lot. I have had lots of time to pray alone and quiet times with God. We are spending too much on gas and putting lots of miles on the van. R HAS A JOB!! PTL!! YIPPEE SKIPPEE!! So I can not complain. I just count on God to get me through the day. Some times I am so tired. It has been great to have 2 weeks worth of meals preplanned. I religiously use my crockpot. I have found some wonderful recipes online for healthy meals.

My current life is a series of notes and notebooks. My little boys are officially in Classical Conversations. I felt led to join or try knowing at the time R had no job and we are in dire circumstances. When praying felt led to join anyways. I thought maybe we would be able to officially join by Christmas and told the Director this.  God laid it on the heart of an anonymous donor to pay for the two little boys to join now! I have started unofficially teaching the older boys at home. I could not even imagine what God had in store for our family. I just knew that this is where he wants us. The same with staying home with the children. I have felt bad for months even though I felt a sense of peace in my decision. R agree also. That I belong at home with the children. Some people no longer speak to me because of my choices and feel I have taken this have faith thing a little too far.

I am finding a sort of freedom in being alone. No pressures from the outside.

I have a collection of notes I will peruse and decide if they are post worthy.

A Morning Call

The Agency called R and told him, he passed the background test. He goes in Wednesday for a drug test and should be able to start work on Tuesday. He will be trained on first shift working 6am till 2pm. I am working on getting my little people into bed by 7pm. I am also trying to get my school planning done up through December 2011.  We are excited, now trying trying to work with a company to prevent foreclosure on our home!