Random Thoughts

I know part of what I’m about to say should not be a complaint in a world full of vanity about aging.

I’ve ALWAYS looked younger, much younger than my chronological age. People tend to talk at me as if I’m a child. Although I do not talk at children unless they’re misbehaving, then it’s more of a stern look, not so much of a talk down to or put down of them or their actions. I get the feeling, sometimes people have assumed I’m a child who doesn’t know what she’s doing or perhaps they may feel I am doing somethings I should not do. I honestly do not know.

What inside of a person makes them think it’s okay to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. Especially if it doesn’t pertain to illegal actions or self harm.

My personality is to listen to everyone and allow them to speak. I don’t necessarily believe anything I hear but I do believe in allowing people to speak. I don’t give my ideas or thoughts on what people are expressing or tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. I do believe hearing yourself speak is a conversation in itself, you can work out your problems, you hear what you have said and recall later. You can rationally work out your issues with or without help.

I do not believe my thoughts on this comes from my psychology background either. I believe deep down that everyone, at some point, needs a way of expressing either themselves, their trauma, or just thoughts in general. I’ve noticed for a long time that children will talk to you about anything on their mind if you just sit with them and draw, color, play their video games, or just seem interested. Even the “rough” teenage years, I felt. I know and love my children dearly even if I do not agree with their actions.

So back to my original thought, I do not feel heard or believed, I feel people are dismissive and treat me as a young lady instead of middle aged. I do not think I look young anymore, I see age in the eyes and my eyes show weariness.

I see everything and make mental notes. For DECADES, my lifetime, I have stated things that I have seen or noted. People, my parents, my spouse, my children, teachers, pastors, rabbis, sibling, pretty much everyone, except my now deceased grandparents have been dismissive of things I say. Only to find out later that I was correct. Only my mother has returned to me later to tell me that I did speak the correct thing and she was sorry to be so dismissive. I’m some what of an Aspie and lying is just NOT my thing. I’m not very persistent about it either, I just know and won’t go against what I know is correct even if I am the only one. I just state once or twice to someone, they usually dismiss my words and I return to whatever I was doing. I do not take it personally, usually. I just wonder why I’m dismissed, gaslit, or ignored while people seem in general to insist you acknowledge their ideas, thoughts, etc. I acknowledge I hear you but I do not give my opinion. Unless someone wants me to agree, then I will state I do not agree but I do not elaborate. I do not want to insert myself or thoughts into conversations. Especially ones I do not care about or have the mental energy to discuss.

I’ve had a difficult time recently, thinking about my friends. There is an obnoxious amount of my friends, former coworkers and some family being diagnosed with either cancers ( a LOT of lymphoma and breast cancers) and blood clots and heart failure. I am sad for them and all they are enduring. I am not depressed, just finding being middle aged rather young to see so much loss in my age bracket. I pray daily for all of my friends who are surviving cancers currently and those who are living with the clotting problems and heart issues. I’m sad for the families of those who lost their mothers and fathers and there are still fairly young children at home. It is heartbreaking!

Carol the Van


Since every other part of Carol is practically new……

We’ve got quotes on replacing her transmission.

It will cost $3500 or more for her to get a rebuilt transmission. I’ve been calling around looking for a transmission to buy and get quotes from my favorite HondaWorks to put it in. So it would be a better conditioned transmission.  If I had not put so much money into Carol already ……, her new engine has only 80,000 miles on it. Everything in her is practically new. Now all she needs is a transmission and maybe I have a great van for about 10 or more years???     Her replaced parts have warranties.

Sitting around stranded at home with all these boys and Anna has been challenging. We can not all fit into hubby’s work car. So NO library trips, no park trips, no field trips, etc.

Reworking my schedule and appointments. I can not take the children, I have 2 in car seats so logistically it simply does not work.

Carol the Van… despite her issues and the short time I have driven her, has been such a blessing to us.

I was able to bring home a gifted book shelf in her, Costco trips, I could fit all of my kiddos and groceries too. We could take library trips, Walmart trips, ride to grandparents, yard sale or estate sales, anything. Carol represents freedoms for our large family and She represents living life and having fun.


Letting it go… ‘venting’

I’ve been thinking A LOT lately about my accident from two years ago. Trying to again, come to terms with things, such as our finances, where I am in recovery, my health, medical bills.

I have medical issues aside from my accident related issues. I’ve felt physically bad lately. I work very hard, but lately I sit and rest in between chores and duties around here.

I’ve felt a huge sense of frustration. My frustrations are currently focused on people. Those who want to be social justice warriors and rescue criminals.
I’m really bothered that some people chose to raise money for and pay the large bail that was set, for the illegal alien who hit me.

( I feel, he should not have had a bail set at all!!!)

He’s an illegal alien!!!

He left the scene of the accident!!!

He got out of the work vehicle he was driving and He took off running!!!

His  vehicle was full of empty alcohol containers!!!

From his finger prints, it was found out, this was NOT his first offense.

He had a habit of drinking and driving.

He couldn’t be charged with DUI, because he left the scene didn’t get his blood tested or a breathylyzer and he wasn’t found for about a week.

His charges were puny, like assault and battery, unsafe movement, felony hit and run, open container, not lawful following traffic signal, I don’t remember how it was exactly worded and I don’t care to look at the police report anymore.

I felt screwed over by the guy who hit me, and by those in charge who did NOT keep me safe. If they could not keep the guy in jail, the least they could have done, would be to deport him. He never showed for court. He “disappeared”!)

A few days after the accident. My nurse assistant showing me how much better my face looked.



I’m need to share and vent about the situation, so I can move along again. I think I’m healed completely emotionally, then sometimes these feelings creep in and I must address them. I don’t really talk to anyone about them. I have tried a time or two, in the past.

I am not allowed to completely vent my feelings, before I’m told, ” You can’t do anything about it, so you should just be grateful for your and your baby’s life and move on.” ( I was 36 weeks pregnant the day of the accident.)

That is what I’ve done. I am grateful and I have moved on.

I’m so very grateful for our lives. I have friends who were in less serious car accidents and “small” fender benders, who lost their babies to death before arriving at the hospital.

I know the same could have and should have happened to me, as bad as I was hit. It is a total MIRACLE, A G-d thing!!! That she and I are here today and both walking and talking and breathing on our own. My neck was broken at a level where I could have been on a ventilator and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but I am breathing on my own and walking. My saving grace, my spinal cord was squished but not severed.

My entire focus for rehab and recovery was  being able to 100% physically take care of myself and my family without physical assistance. Which I have mostly accomplished.

I don’t want to be told How grateful I should be. I am grateful. Very grateful and so very blessed beyond measure. I really needed to just let this side out also. The anger, and it be okay to let the anger out. Not making me any less grateful or happy that we survived. But also to fully heal and recover and let go of anger. I am told the anger could be part of the reason I am in so much pain. Not just from my having surgeries and my spine fused.

I have to let go and let G-d. Part of that is me sharing what’s on my heart without judgement. Just getting it out.

I’m also making this vent public, just in case there is someone else experiencing what I have and maybe wants to talk about it or know the anger is part of healing too. I just don’t live in the anger but feel it and move on.

I think people think having a bunch of illegals roaming around, is a victimless crime. Someone told me it’s equivalent to stealing cable and told me “every body does it”. I’ve never stolen cable!!! never considered it either. But that is another post…


Miscellany Post Random

Thursday was such a long event exhausting day! I had my first visit with a particular specialist. I got an awesome vibe from this doctor. I’m a skeptical RN patient. I know and I’ve seen way too much. This doctor knew this about me and was not put off at ALL. He knew it was so not about him and that was apparent! He sold himself well and spoke to my heart. That being said, I have a very brief hospital visit coming soon.


So…. Carol the van, her check engine light came on.  She felt weak and lost her gusto. She would hesitate when i take my foot off the brake, instead of zooming forward with her normal liveliness. I called my normal Asiaworks and they are closed for vacation until next week. So I went to their other office,  Hondaworks on Scaleybark. Denny gave me some bad news. Carol’s transmission is giving out. This doesn’t surprise me but totally ticks me off, making a hard day really a test of my resolve and heart. I knew immediately it would be an expense I can not currently afford.  We’ve been using up our saving, since I got hit by that illegal alien drunk driver 2 years ago. We have good insurance but I still have a ton of out-of-pocket expenses.

(Excuse my “lack of compassion” for illegals and this entire D.A.C.A.  and D.A.P.A situation….. no one is paying my bills but me and I’m still suffering physically and financially two years later, for something NOT at my fault at all!!!)

My Odyssey year up to 2007 are notorious for terrible transmissions. It been one hellacious thing after another. I will only purchase another used vehicle if either Asiaworks checks it for me or Compact Cars on Independence boulevard near Matthews will check it out for me and say its a great buy!! AJ’s shop isn’t worth the mention.


I absolutely ADORE Harris Teeter home shop or shop online program!!! I’ve shopped Harris Teeter since I was a child. They’ve given me excellent customer service. I actually save money by not going inside the grocery store. I buy my list instead of looking at everything. I check my E-Vic weekly and make my order online for what I want. They even take coupons but it credits on your next purchase.

Late Night/ Early Morning Rambled Musings:

If feeling soooo done with life a part of being 9 months pregnant or am I just lazy. Summer hasn’t arrived yet.

I am so done.

I made Stouffer’s Lasagna for dinner 2 days in a row. Fed my family canned veggies and grocery store deli bread that I turned into garlic bread.

I did spend 2 and a half hours at a laundromat with my 8-year-old son washing,drying and folding towels, little boy clothes and linens. So something was accomplished.

I still continue to feel a lack of motivation.

My garden is going slow because I have not sat down with the boys like we planned and seed our peat pods. They are still on the freezer in the laundry room.

I left laundromat before completely drying my last load to pick up Kara from work. Dropped Sam at home and took Kayla back home, she was just out to get a quick meal (She was starving and our Stouffer’s Lasagna wasn’t in the oven yet), then Kara and I returned to dry the remainder. It seem to go so fast with help 🙂

I am only up right now because of an obnoxious nosebleed. Took forever to stop, still oozing but I need to go to bed now!

God smiled on Hubby at work tonight. He had a great evening. I was feeling rather bummed and rarely share that rundown feeling with him( I am afraid of dragging people down, when I want to be an encourager),  he prayed with me and told me God is with me. I instantly felt better and do not remember how bad I felt or even what precipitated that bad feeling in the first place.  God smiled on me to for blessing me with a husband that loves me and who really desires to do the right thing deep down and surprises me at the least expected time.

Random Rambled Musings:

On Sunday Night we had rain, sleet, and then snow.  It was an interesting night considering we just had summer-ish weather just a few days prior.

I think our cat Kiki may be on her last life. She had disappeared for about 4 days. This is a big deal, Kiki was a little pig and never missed a meal. She came home, very thin, sickly looking and quiet. She barely eats and is sleeping a lot. She is well hydrated. Kiki, normally a “chatty” cat, has been really quiet. I am not quite sure what to think about her right now.

She is 8 years old and was given to us shortly, like a week after, I birthed Samuel.

I have an overwhelming case of the “sleepies” lately. I don’t know if it is normal late pregnancy tiredness or if something is wrong, if I am missing a much-needed vitamin or need more iron or what?

I crave a date with my husband. He has been blessed with some much-needed overtime lately. We needed the money so it is right on time. It has also cause a sacrifice of us time. So I miss him. We need to reconnect soon. Preferably before baby is born.

Almost daily, I secretly wish for someone to come help me sort through my home and cart things off to GoodWill or Kidney Foundation. I also secretly hope for premade meals about once per week, especially on my super exhausted days.

I  don’t like to complain, but I really need help these last months of pregnancy. I feel people who fail to help or tell me about how I got myself into this, simply lack compassion, it should not matter which number your baby is, as to whether you deserve help or not.

Confession: I REALLY needed our break from Classical Conversations this week to sleep in and regroup! Although, I terribly miss everyone!

Random thought:

It is easy to think grander of yourself than you ought, especially when your standard of comparison is mediocre.

Wednesday’s Rambled Musings

Today was a productive day.

The Greg Ott Center for physical therapy and sports performance







I had the opportunity to chat with some really nice people while waiting on D during his long physical therapy rehab sessions.  The ladies, whom I chatted with, were an elderly mother and her daughters. The mom and a daughter were in for rehab also. We sat and chat about life, children, food, and television shows. I am always enthused to meet school teachers who are not the least bit offended that I homeschool. This sweet lady even commended me and offered encouragement that I am doing the right thing for my children. She even called my children blessings after finding out I had so many. She grew up as one of five. It was an encouraging couple of hours we sat and talked and made the time go by faster.

I was also able to go through a few of the little boy items and box up some give away items. I have them stacked in the hallway so there is visual clutter. DH and I will take the items to a donation site on a day when we have plans to pass that way in a few days.

We are really enjoying studying Georgia O’Keeffe! She was a great artist. I love her paintings. We are enjoying her paintings and working on our own mini replicas.

I am constantly hungry and constantly nauseous. The two are diametrically opposed!

I have 2 cameras. One is an old Canon Powershot S50 and the other is newer Nikon Coolpix S220. At any given time neither camera works. I think I have both working now. D has a basketball game tomorrow against CSCL in South Charlotte. I am praying one of the cameras will work for me. I like the Canon. It is older but the pictures are of better quality. The 10 megapixels on the Nikon doesn’t do much for us because the picture quality is poorer.

Busy Tuesdays

Tuesdays are our Classical Conversation meeting days. They are full and fun and exhausting!

We start the day with baths and breakfast. Today the boys ate beef sausage and blueberry DeWafflebaker’s pancakes. There was a buy one get one free sale at Bi-Lo and I printed a couple of coupons online making them less than a dollar per pack!

We drop sisters off at the local CC and off we go to our meeting day.

We meet together the entire group for announcements, Pledge of Allegiance, Pledge to the bible, prayer and dismissal to class.

Then we go to our separate classes. I sit in Foundations with my little boys. There or 8 children in each classroom for the tutors to work with.

The littles are thoroughly enjoying their renditions of Famous artist painting. Even Jesse is working really hard on painting.

Science experiments have been really fun too. Getting the children physically involved to understand concepts.

Learning is FUN!

We leave, pick up the girls and go home. Give dad the van to take D to basketball practice. I try to stay awake and get dinner started. Sometimes I fall asleep at the kitchen table waiting on the oven to pre-heat. So I frequently set the timer to wake me in 20 minutes.

Today was a good day. Good night!