Letting it go… ‘venting’

I’ve been thinking A LOT lately about my accident from two years ago. Trying to again, come to terms with things, such as our finances, where I am in recovery, my health, medical bills.

I have medical issues aside from my accident related issues. I’ve felt physically bad lately. I work very hard, but lately I sit and rest in between chores and duties around here.

I’ve felt a huge sense of frustration. My frustrations are currently focused on people. Those who want to be social justice warriors and rescue criminals.
I’m really bothered that some people chose to raise money for and pay the large bail that was set, for the illegal alien who hit me.

( I feel, he should not have had a bail set at all!!!)

He’s an illegal alien!!!

He left the scene of the accident!!!

He got out of the work vehicle he was driving and He took off running!!!

His  vehicle was full of empty alcohol containers!!!

From his finger prints, it was found out, this was NOT his first offense.

He had a habit of drinking and driving.

He couldn’t be charged with DUI, because he left the scene didn’t get his blood tested or a breathylyzer and he wasn’t found for about a week.

His charges were puny, like assault and battery, unsafe movement, felony hit and run, open container, not lawful following traffic signal, I don’t remember how it was exactly worded and I don’t care to look at the police report anymore.

I felt screwed over by the guy who hit me, and by those in charge who did NOT keep me safe. If they could not keep the guy in jail, the least they could have done, would be to deport him. He never showed for court. He “disappeared”!)

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A few days after the accident. My nurse assistant showing me how much better my face looked.

 

 

I’m need to share and vent about the situation, so I can move along again. I think I’m healed completely emotionally, then sometimes these feelings creep in and I must address them. I don’t really talk to anyone about them. I have tried a time or two, in the past.

I am not allowed to completely vent my feelings, before I’m told, ” You can’t do anything about it, so you should just be grateful for your and your baby’s life and move on.” ( I was 36 weeks pregnant the day of the accident.)

That is what I’ve done. I am grateful and I have moved on.

I’m so very grateful for our lives. I have friends who were in less serious car accidents and “small” fender benders, who lost their babies to death before arriving at the hospital.

I know the same could have and should have happened to me, as bad as I was hit. It is a total MIRACLE, A G-d thing!!! That she and I are here today and both walking and talking and breathing on our own. My neck was broken at a level where I could have been on a ventilator and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but I am breathing on my own and walking. My saving grace, my spinal cord was squished but not severed.

My entire focus for rehab and recovery was  being able to 100% physically take care of myself and my family without physical assistance. Which I have mostly accomplished.

I don’t want to be told How grateful I should be. I am grateful. Very grateful and so very blessed beyond measure. I really needed to just let this side out also. The anger, and it be okay to let the anger out. Not making me any less grateful or happy that we survived. But also to fully heal and recover and let go of anger. I am told the anger could be part of the reason I am in so much pain. Not just from my having surgeries and my spine fused.

I have to let go and let G-d. Part of that is me sharing what’s on my heart without judgement. Just getting it out.

I’m also making this vent public, just in case there is someone else experiencing what I have and maybe wants to talk about it or know the anger is part of healing too. I just don’t live in the anger but feel it and move on.

I think people think having a bunch of illegals roaming around, is a victimless crime. Someone told me it’s equivalent to stealing cable and told me “every body does it”. I’ve never stolen cable!!! never considered it either. But that is another post…

 

Would you like some cheese with that?….Survival Mode

I have wanted to blog but have lacked the time. We have had an unusually busy schedule and with my dead slaves (washer and dryer) I spend at least 2 to 3 trips a week at a laundromat. The owner is really nice and will help me and whomever I bring as a helper to my van, even though that is not his job. I am enjoying getting laundry done quicker. Instead of a half a day or more job, it takes a couple of hours.

We are approaching the end of our journey as one. This baby and I. My BP has been steadily rising over the past week or so. The hyperemesis is not being controlled by the Zofran. I am hoping to go into spontaneous labor sans induction. I am nervous about pending delivery, I tend to get ppd pretty bad lately, so I hope it is a normal labor, so I can quickly recover and return to exercising which really helps me stabilize my hormones better.

One of the twins plans to by a car this week. I am praying she and her sister can get themselves around  without my help now. Allowing me more time to spend with the boys,cooking, cleaning, sleeping and enjoying a new baby soon. It should be a blessing to our entire family in that way. I am so fatigued lately. Today I am doing a manic cleaning but I am so low energy I feel the need to lay down, although I have not since getting up.

We are on the hunt for a bunk bed. I specifically wanted a red metal to match the current one in the boy’s room, but at this point I just want a bunk bed set. I have a little guy sleeping on my sofa who needs a bed. Maybe I should pray for one again.

I think there is some water damage from my sink area. The middle of my kitchen floor feels “weird” and the old linoleum is cracking. I’m not sure whether to call a plumber first or if it is just old. Either way, I need a new sub-floor in my kitchen and new tile. I try not to freak out as things stop working in my old house. I happened to hear about Habitat’s Critical Home Repair and I am almost desperate enough to call and see if someone can come out and diagnose our problem with the kitchen floor. I want to fix it quickly. My overactive, hyper-analytical self is having all sorts of thoughts, like me walking into the kitchen to prepare a lovely meal for my family and falling through the kitchen floor.

I am so NOT sleeping well when I do sleep. I think baby has days and nights mixed up already. I have had intense back pain with contractions since Thursday and I simply can not get comfortable, despite taking every spare pillow in the house and propping something up with it.

My OB Dr. D. is going to be in and out-of-town over the next few weeks(family emergency). This has sent me into numerous panic attacks. I have one person whom I trust. I have an awfully long list of bad care received and not enough good to match. I don’t expect a lot. Some people just can not treat you a an individual. I am one that demands to not be lumped in a box or category with everyone else. I want to go to the hospital, have assistance if I need it and not be micro managed. My Dr. D gets it, some others get it, most do not. I am trying to trust that God will work it ALL out. Like HE did with DH has a full-time job with benefits! We have health insurance just in time for baby’s birth. That is a Big weight off my shoulders.  I need to get a sense of peace about the rest of the current happenings.

We should be better off financially, when I can save gas money. Still working on our water bill. We need to  get several people to trim their showers down from 45 minutes to 10 minutes. How do you do that?? A plumber told me, he can attach a regulator to my hot water heater. I can shut it of manually or digitally I think. I will probably need to invest in this to save water and money.  Maybe I’ll regain some energy. I am usually a pretty high-strung, hyper person. Being able to cook all of our meals again will keep us from breaking our food budget.

I am Currently in survival mode until further notice!