Letting it go… ‘venting’

I’ve been thinking A LOT lately about my accident from two years ago. Trying to again, come to terms with things, such as our finances, where I am in recovery, my health, medical bills.

I have medical issues aside from my accident related issues. I’ve felt physically bad lately. I work very hard, but lately I sit and rest in between chores and duties around here.

I’ve felt a huge sense of frustration. My frustrations are currently focused on people. Those who want to be social justice warriors and rescue criminals.
I’m really bothered that some people chose to raise money for and pay the large bail that was set, for the illegal alien who hit me.

( I feel, he should not have had a bail set at all!!!)

He’s an illegal alien!!!

He left the scene of the accident!!!

He got out of the work vehicle he was driving and He took off running!!!

His  vehicle was full of empty alcohol containers!!!

From his finger prints, it was found out, this was NOT his first offense.

He had a habit of drinking and driving.

He couldn’t be charged with DUI, because he left the scene didn’t get his blood tested or a breathylyzer and he wasn’t found for about a week.

His charges were puny, like assault and battery, unsafe movement, felony hit and run, open container, not lawful following traffic signal, I don’t remember how it was exactly worded and I don’t care to look at the police report anymore.

I felt screwed over by the guy who hit me, and by those in charge who did NOT keep me safe. If they could not keep the guy in jail, the least they could have done, would be to deport him. He never showed for court. He “disappeared”!)

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A few days after the accident. My nurse assistant showing me how much better my face looked.

 

 

I’m need to share and vent about the situation, so I can move along again. I think I’m healed completely emotionally, then sometimes these feelings creep in and I must address them. I don’t really talk to anyone about them. I have tried a time or two, in the past.

I am not allowed to completely vent my feelings, before I’m told, ” You can’t do anything about it, so you should just be grateful for your and your baby’s life and move on.” ( I was 36 weeks pregnant the day of the accident.)

That is what I’ve done. I am grateful and I have moved on.

I’m so very grateful for our lives. I have friends who were in less serious car accidents and “small” fender benders, who lost their babies to death before arriving at the hospital.

I know the same could have and should have happened to me, as bad as I was hit. It is a total MIRACLE, A G-d thing!!! That she and I are here today and both walking and talking and breathing on our own. My neck was broken at a level where I could have been on a ventilator and in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, but I am breathing on my own and walking. My saving grace, my spinal cord was squished but not severed.

My entire focus for rehab and recovery was  being able to 100% physically take care of myself and my family without physical assistance. Which I have mostly accomplished.

I don’t want to be told How grateful I should be. I am grateful. Very grateful and so very blessed beyond measure. I really needed to just let this side out also. The anger, and it be okay to let the anger out. Not making me any less grateful or happy that we survived. But also to fully heal and recover and let go of anger. I am told the anger could be part of the reason I am in so much pain. Not just from my having surgeries and my spine fused.

I have to let go and let G-d. Part of that is me sharing what’s on my heart without judgement. Just getting it out.

I’m also making this vent public, just in case there is someone else experiencing what I have and maybe wants to talk about it or know the anger is part of healing too. I just don’t live in the anger but feel it and move on.

I think people think having a bunch of illegals roaming around, is a victimless crime. Someone told me it’s equivalent to stealing cable and told me “every body does it”. I’ve never stolen cable!!! never considered it either. But that is another post…

 

Late Night/ Early Morning Rambled Musings:

If feeling soooo done with life a part of being 9 months pregnant or am I just lazy. Summer hasn’t arrived yet.

I am so done.

I made Stouffer’s Lasagna for dinner 2 days in a row. Fed my family canned veggies and grocery store deli bread that I turned into garlic bread.

I did spend 2 and a half hours at a laundromat with my 8-year-old son washing,drying and folding towels, little boy clothes and linens. So something was accomplished.

I still continue to feel a lack of motivation.

My garden is going slow because I have not sat down with the boys like we planned and seed our peat pods. They are still on the freezer in the laundry room.

I left laundromat before completely drying my last load to pick up Kara from work. Dropped Sam at home and took Kayla back home, she was just out to get a quick meal (She was starving and our Stouffer’s Lasagna wasn’t in the oven yet), then Kara and I returned to dry the remainder. It seem to go so fast with help 🙂

I am only up right now because of an obnoxious nosebleed. Took forever to stop, still oozing but I need to go to bed now!

God smiled on Hubby at work tonight. He had a great evening. I was feeling rather bummed and rarely share that rundown feeling with him( I am afraid of dragging people down, when I want to be an encourager),  he prayed with me and told me God is with me. I instantly felt better and do not remember how bad I felt or even what precipitated that bad feeling in the first place.  God smiled on me to for blessing me with a husband that loves me and who really desires to do the right thing deep down and surprises me at the least expected time.

Random Rambled Musings:

On Sunday Night we had rain, sleet, and then snow.  It was an interesting night considering we just had summer-ish weather just a few days prior.

I think our cat Kiki may be on her last life. She had disappeared for about 4 days. This is a big deal, Kiki was a little pig and never missed a meal. She came home, very thin, sickly looking and quiet. She barely eats and is sleeping a lot. She is well hydrated. Kiki, normally a “chatty” cat, has been really quiet. I am not quite sure what to think about her right now.

She is 8 years old and was given to us shortly, like a week after, I birthed Samuel.

I have an overwhelming case of the “sleepies” lately. I don’t know if it is normal late pregnancy tiredness or if something is wrong, if I am missing a much-needed vitamin or need more iron or what?

I crave a date with my husband. He has been blessed with some much-needed overtime lately. We needed the money so it is right on time. It has also cause a sacrifice of us time. So I miss him. We need to reconnect soon. Preferably before baby is born.

Almost daily, I secretly wish for someone to come help me sort through my home and cart things off to GoodWill or Kidney Foundation. I also secretly hope for premade meals about once per week, especially on my super exhausted days.

I  don’t like to complain, but I really need help these last months of pregnancy. I feel people who fail to help or tell me about how I got myself into this, simply lack compassion, it should not matter which number your baby is, as to whether you deserve help or not.

Confession: I REALLY needed our break from Classical Conversations this week to sleep in and regroup! Although, I terribly miss everyone!

Random thought:

It is easy to think grander of yourself than you ought, especially when your standard of comparison is mediocre.

Wednesday’s Rambled Musings

Today was a productive day.

The Greg Ott Center for physical therapy and sports performance

 

 

 

 

 

 

I had the opportunity to chat with some really nice people while waiting on D during his long physical therapy rehab sessions.  The ladies, whom I chatted with, were an elderly mother and her daughters. The mom and a daughter were in for rehab also. We sat and chat about life, children, food, and television shows. I am always enthused to meet school teachers who are not the least bit offended that I homeschool. This sweet lady even commended me and offered encouragement that I am doing the right thing for my children. She even called my children blessings after finding out I had so many. She grew up as one of five. It was an encouraging couple of hours we sat and talked and made the time go by faster.

I was also able to go through a few of the little boy items and box up some give away items. I have them stacked in the hallway so there is visual clutter. DH and I will take the items to a donation site on a day when we have plans to pass that way in a few days.

We are really enjoying studying Georgia O’Keeffe! She was a great artist. I love her paintings. We are enjoying her paintings and working on our own mini replicas.

I am constantly hungry and constantly nauseous. The two are diametrically opposed!

I have 2 cameras. One is an old Canon Powershot S50 and the other is newer Nikon Coolpix S220. At any given time neither camera works. I think I have both working now. D has a basketball game tomorrow against CSCL in South Charlotte. I am praying one of the cameras will work for me. I like the Canon. It is older but the pictures are of better quality. The 10 megapixels on the Nikon doesn’t do much for us because the picture quality is poorer.