Random Thoughts

I know part of what I’m about to say should not be a complaint in a world full of vanity about aging.

I’ve ALWAYS looked younger, much younger than my chronological age. People tend to talk at me as if I’m a child. Although I do not talk at children unless they’re misbehaving, then it’s more of a stern look, not so much of a talk down to or put down of them or their actions. I get the feeling, sometimes people have assumed I’m a child who doesn’t know what she’s doing or perhaps they may feel I am doing somethings I should not do. I honestly do not know.

What inside of a person makes them think it’s okay to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. Especially if it doesn’t pertain to illegal actions or self harm.

My personality is to listen to everyone and allow them to speak. I don’t necessarily believe anything I hear but I do believe in allowing people to speak. I don’t give my ideas or thoughts on what people are expressing or tell them what they should or shouldn’t do. I do believe hearing yourself speak is a conversation in itself, you can work out your problems, you hear what you have said and recall later. You can rationally work out your issues with or without help.

I do not believe my thoughts on this comes from my psychology background either. I believe deep down that everyone, at some point, needs a way of expressing either themselves, their trauma, or just thoughts in general. I’ve noticed for a long time that children will talk to you about anything on their mind if you just sit with them and draw, color, play their video games, or just seem interested. Even the “rough” teenage years, I felt. I know and love my children dearly even if I do not agree with their actions.

So back to my original thought, I do not feel heard or believed, I feel people are dismissive and treat me as a young lady instead of middle aged. I do not think I look young anymore, I see age in the eyes and my eyes show weariness.

I see everything and make mental notes. For DECADES, my lifetime, I have stated things that I have seen or noted. People, my parents, my spouse, my children, teachers, pastors, rabbis, sibling, pretty much everyone, except my now deceased grandparents have been dismissive of things I say. Only to find out later that I was correct. Only my mother has returned to me later to tell me that I did speak the correct thing and she was sorry to be so dismissive. I’m some what of an Aspie and lying is just NOT my thing. I’m not very persistent about it either, I just know and won’t go against what I know is correct even if I am the only one. I just state once or twice to someone, they usually dismiss my words and I return to whatever I was doing. I do not take it personally, usually. I just wonder why I’m dismissed, gaslit, or ignored while people seem in general to insist you acknowledge their ideas, thoughts, etc. I acknowledge I hear you but I do not give my opinion. Unless someone wants me to agree, then I will state I do not agree but I do not elaborate. I do not want to insert myself or thoughts into conversations. Especially ones I do not care about or have the mental energy to discuss.

I’ve had a difficult time recently, thinking about my friends. There is an obnoxious amount of my friends, former coworkers and some family being diagnosed with either cancers ( a LOT of lymphoma and breast cancers) and blood clots and heart failure. I am sad for them and all they are enduring. I am not depressed, just finding being middle aged rather young to see so much loss in my age bracket. I pray daily for all of my friends who are surviving cancers currently and those who are living with the clotting problems and heart issues. I’m sad for the families of those who lost their mothers and fathers and there are still fairly young children at home. It is heartbreaking!

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