Thoughts

I haven’t posted in a while. I just couldn’t put my thoughts into words. I have grieved oddly this time around. I feel lost and out of sorts. I have made list of my daily activities and basically, I do only what needs to be done. I have not wanted to leave my home. It is a chore to pack my recycle bags in the van and go to Aldi or the library or post office but I go when necessary. I am exhausted over doing  little things.  Today I am sad because my ob office took samples from baby to send for genetic testing. Their lab put the sample in the wrong solution so it was unusable. It was human error and there isn’t anything I can do about it. I did not really want to have the genetic testing. I knew that taking some tissue from my deceased child would not hurt him, but part of me feels bad about agreeing for testing. I kept thinking, I don’t really want to do this but if we find out something that helps us in the future, then maybe it is worth it. Now it seems to have been a waste of time and resources and I am very disappointed.  I have forgiven and I am moving on. It still hurts, I am a little bit broken-hearted over occurrences that are  out of my control.